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Dating a guy of a different faith and dealing with his mother?
Hi everyone,
I am a 21 year old University student who plans to attend medical school. I am currently in a relationship with my 24 year old boyfriend who is a student/truck driver that I love and care for very much. I have been in a complicated situation with my boyfriend of 4 years. We are from the same country and the same culture but we are of different faiths. This has not been an issue for us or for my family. The issue is his family-namely his mother.
The first few times I met her, she was very kind and warm. She knew of my religion and that did not seem to bother her in the slightest. However, on our first year anniversary (and also my birthday), he told me that his mother had taken him to another city, and without his consent or knowledge, she had arranged a marriage for him, of course, to a girl of his faith. When he admitted to me what had happened and how he refused, I was really heartbroken. I felt naive and shocked that anyone could have done this to me. But, I chose to put that behind me (as hard as it was) and move on with the relationship thinking that perhaps she got it into her head that her son cared for me and there was nothing she could do about it.
During the year after that, I tried dutifully to be respectful to her. I never mentioned the situation or confronted her. I let it sit within me and chose to not ponder it. But, I found that she (as well as her daughter) were treating me funny. When he would be around, they would be so nice but as soon as I was left alone with them, they were rude to me. Again, very close to my birthday (a year after the initial incident), I was told by my former boss (the same faith as my boyfriend and also his friend) that my boyfriend's mother had called their home asking for my boss's sister's hand in marriage to my boyfriend. Of course, they refused and gave her heck for even considering that, since they knew I was in a relationship with him.
When this happened to me I felt a rush of hatred and loathing that I have never felt before in my life. It was found that my boyfriend really did not know his mother was doing this, so I felt it was time to confront her. I called her and I told her how much she was trying to hurt and embarrass me and what she was doing was wrong.
We are no longer living in a country or a culture where it is tradition to arrange marriages and she should not get herself involved in her 24 year old son's life. Her response to me was that I was confused and that I dont understand because I am not a mother. My boyfriend sided with me and told me what she did was wrong, but during one of our fights, he blurted out that I deserved it because I never opened myself up to her and therefore she didnt know who I was and what place I had in his life. But this was absolutely false!
Now, I feel deep rooted hate for his family that I feel I am entitled to because of what they did to me. But its a hate that I only know of because even now whenever I see them or talk to them, I show them (especially his mother) uttermost respect that I personally feel she is not worthy of. I never say anything bad about her but whenever my boyfriend mentions her name or shows any kind of emotion to her, I feel a surge of anger so bad that I say things I know really hurt my boyfriend. I always feel like I deserve better and to see myself being treated this way makes me hate myself because I let it get so bad. I feel like she brainwashes her son and puts ideas into his head. One such idea was that if we ever got married, our children would be heretics because they don't know which religion to belong to.
I feel like my boyfriend has done nothing wrong but I can't help thinking that he let that happen and that he is not standing up for me. I can't say anything to him though because I don't want him to think I am trying to ruin his relationship with his mother. I feel like I deserve a sincere apology that I never received, yet I also feel like if I do get the apology, it won't change how I feel towards his family.
I don't know what I am doing wrong. I think of myself as an educated, talented and determined individual who has very strong values, but what have I done or what do I don't possess that has allowed this woman to treat me so bad? I am too young for this kind of stress, but I want to make the right decision for the both of us, and at the same time not lose my sanity or someone I really love.
I want to make the right decision. I love my boyfriend and I don't want to break up over this. Any advice?
Thanks ladies =(
I am a 21 year old University student who plans to attend medical school. I am currently in a relationship with my 24 year old boyfriend who is a student/truck driver that I love and care for very much. I have been in a complicated situation with my boyfriend of 4 years. We are from the same country and the same culture but we are of different faiths. This has not been an issue for us or for my family. The issue is his family-namely his mother.
The first few times I met her, she was very kind and warm. She knew of my religion and that did not seem to bother her in the slightest. However, on our first year anniversary (and also my birthday), he told me that his mother had taken him to another city, and without his consent or knowledge, she had arranged a marriage for him, of course, to a girl of his faith. When he admitted to me what had happened and how he refused, I was really heartbroken. I felt naive and shocked that anyone could have done this to me. But, I chose to put that behind me (as hard as it was) and move on with the relationship thinking that perhaps she got it into her head that her son cared for me and there was nothing she could do about it.
During the year after that, I tried dutifully to be respectful to her. I never mentioned the situation or confronted her. I let it sit within me and chose to not ponder it. But, I found that she (as well as her daughter) were treating me funny. When he would be around, they would be so nice but as soon as I was left alone with them, they were rude to me. Again, very close to my birthday (a year after the initial incident), I was told by my former boss (the same faith as my boyfriend and also his friend) that my boyfriend's mother had called their home asking for my boss's sister's hand in marriage to my boyfriend. Of course, they refused and gave her heck for even considering that, since they knew I was in a relationship with him.
When this happened to me I felt a rush of hatred and loathing that I have never felt before in my life. It was found that my boyfriend really did not know his mother was doing this, so I felt it was time to confront her. I called her and I told her how much she was trying to hurt and embarrass me and what she was doing was wrong.
We are no longer living in a country or a culture where it is tradition to arrange marriages and she should not get herself involved in her 24 year old son's life. Her response to me was that I was confused and that I dont understand because I am not a mother. My boyfriend sided with me and told me what she did was wrong, but during one of our fights, he blurted out that I deserved it because I never opened myself up to her and therefore she didnt know who I was and what place I had in his life. But this was absolutely false!
Now, I feel deep rooted hate for his family that I feel I am entitled to because of what they did to me. But its a hate that I only know of because even now whenever I see them or talk to them, I show them (especially his mother) uttermost respect that I personally feel she is not worthy of. I never say anything bad about her but whenever my boyfriend mentions her name or shows any kind of emotion to her, I feel a surge of anger so bad that I say things I know really hurt my boyfriend. I always feel like I deserve better and to see myself being treated this way makes me hate myself because I let it get so bad. I feel like she brainwashes her son and puts ideas into his head. One such idea was that if we ever got married, our children would be heretics because they don't know which religion to belong to.
I feel like my boyfriend has done nothing wrong but I can't help thinking that he let that happen and that he is not standing up for me. I can't say anything to him though because I don't want him to think I am trying to ruin his relationship with his mother. I feel like I deserve a sincere apology that I never received, yet I also feel like if I do get the apology, it won't change how I feel towards his family.
I don't know what I am doing wrong. I think of myself as an educated, talented and determined individual who has very strong values, but what have I done or what do I don't possess that has allowed this woman to treat me so bad? I am too young for this kind of stress, but I want to make the right decision for the both of us, and at the same time not lose my sanity or someone I really love.
I want to make the right decision. I love my boyfriend and I don't want to break up over this. Any advice?
Thanks ladies =(
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Helen on -
That is really difficult situation...it seems that you have good realtionship with your BF and you love each other... Have you thought about changing your religion? Is it possible for you?
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Permalink Reply by iwoman21 on -
dilemma ^_^
you should be careful, this is basic human problem about faith.. you and your bf must have strong personality to face some people oppose your relationship. This all coming back both of you, if you 2, persevering on your relationship.. so there is no problem, but if you can accept the pressure, fail relationship open on your eye.. the most important is your bf, he hold the important rules here as a "man" not "mama's baby boy".
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Permalink Reply by Nemo on -
thanks so much ladies for your honest replies...
me and my boyfriend are very much in love and very passionate about each other. We both have identical beliefs and values and agree on almost everything. We have almost a soul mate attraction to each other that I value so much.
Once, before I met his mother, he did ask me if I was willing to change my religion because he said things would go "smoothly". But I told him no and I love my faith and wouldn't change. That was the last time he ever asked me. Me and him we don't talk about religion at all when we are together. Also, he is not even that into his religion at all (i.e he doesn't follow what they tell him to do, pray ect.). It's like he belongs to this faith just cause he was born into it. Thats the impression I get anyways.
I am coming to the idea that my boyfriend is almost scared of his mother. He doesn't have a really good relationship with her because he has caught her lying to him a lot of times and she manipulates him a lot to get what she wants (i.e. crying, saying that shes going to die and he will regret the things he does, our kids will be unbelievers of God. ect.) Its almost sad to see him when he talk about it. Everyone in our city that comes from the same country as us knows his sister and mother and people are always talking behind their backs because they have done a lot of shady things to others. Thats why I feel like he is so attracted to me, almost to get away from them.
Also, he mentions marriage a lot and I see it as him trying to get out of her house. But I refuse because 1) Im too young and 2) this is a major situation and unless I find a solution, Im not rushing to get married anytime soon and 3) because he said once that if we got married, the best thing to do is to move cities (red flag).
Sometimes when I get mad at him or we get into fights, all of the pain that she caused me bubbles up to the surface and I explode at him. I say things to him that I can tell really hurt but I don't know how to explain this - I just can't control myself. I've never been like this. I've always been rational and calm until this happened to me.
I guess now what my question is how should I get over this? I mean...is it even possible? And how can I control myself so I don't have to think about this everyday of my life. Its making me miserable...
Thanks ladies so much for taking the time out to read all this and help me out. It means so much to know someone is listening and willing to help. =)
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Permalink Reply by GlamourGirl on -
This is very complicated. Faith and inlaws are crucial in every relationship. I think you need to evaluate yourself and ask your priorities? Are you willing to sacrifice your faith for love? And are you willing to exert an effort to get your inlaw's acceptance.
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Permalink Reply by Helen on
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You can solve this problem...just we need to find the solution... If you love your faith - you should not change it, and as for me the religion is just a cover - the main faith is inside. But you should not change the religion just because of his mother.... Besides, he just doesn't need that....
You should not run, escape - that is wrong... You should face it - and face it confidently and calmly. You know, I have a one trick - when I have some problems in communication with some people - I try to imagine the best of them - draw them smiling(or just visualize), but I do that sincerely - I try to feel them positively - and that helps almost everytime... Try to do that with his mother, imagine her positively, lovely and sweet. And believe me - your relationship will change.
I can understand that it is difficult for you to solve this problem, but you are very smart and kind girl - you can do that.
Just think about her like she your mother - cause she is almost your mother:)
I hope it helps:)
Love,
Helen
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Permalink Reply by Oksana on -
I think you should pay less attention to that and soon she will have to accept you as his wife...
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Permalink Reply by Ice on -
Don't worry too much about her mother. Just be yourself and everything will be okay.
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Permalink Reply by Karla on -
What is important is that you love one another and no one can ever destroy that. It sometimes take time for mothers to accept that they dont own their son and you should be more understanding about it. In time, Im sure you will be friends.
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Permalink Reply by GlamourGirl on
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I agree with Karla. I hope our advices are helpful somehow.
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Permalink Reply by Nemo on
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you ladies are absolutely amazing!!
you are all right, I should just put this behind me and Helen thank you so much! I never thought of trying to see the best of her. I mean, I never really did have her do anything kind for me so I never thought it would be possible but you are absolutely right. I am going to try your technique and see how it works out.
thanks again ladies for taking the time out to read this!!
xoxo
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