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Dating a guy of a different faith and dealing with his mother?
Hi everyone,
I am a 21 year old University student who plans to attend medical school. I am currently in a relationship with my 24 year old boyfriend who is a student/truck driver that I love and care for very much. I have been in a complicated situation with my boyfriend of 4 years. We are from the same country and the same culture but we are of different faiths. This has not been an issue for us or for my family. The issue is his family-namely his mother.
The first few times I met her, she was very kind and warm. She knew of my religion and that did not seem to bother her in the slightest. However, on our first year anniversary (and also my birthday), he told me that his mother had taken him to another city, and without his consent or knowledge, she had arranged a marriage for him, of course, to a girl of his faith. When he admitted to me what had happened and how he refused, I was really heartbroken. I felt naive and shocked that anyone could have done this to me. But, I chose to put that behind me (as hard as it was) and move on with the relationship thinking that perhaps she got it into her head that her son cared for me and there was nothing she could do about it.
During the year after that, I tried dutifully to be respectful to her. I never mentioned the situation or confronted her. I let it sit within me and chose to not ponder it. But, I found that she (as well as her daughter) were treating me funny. When he would be around, they would be so nice but as soon as I was left alone with them, they were rude to me. Again, very close to my birthday (a year after the initial incident), I was told by my former boss (the same faith as my boyfriend and also his friend) that my boyfriend's mother had called their home asking for my boss's sister's hand in marriage to my boyfriend. Of course, they refused and gave her heck for even considering that, since they knew I was in a relationship with him.
When this happened to me I felt a rush of hatred and loathing that I have never felt before in my life. It was found that my boyfriend really did not know his mother was doing this, so I felt it was time to confront her. I called her and I told her how much she was trying to hurt and embarrass me and what she was doing was wrong.
We are no longer living in a country or a culture where it is tradition to arrange marriages and she should not get herself involved in her 24 year old son's life. Her response to me was that I was confused and that I dont understand because I am not a mother. My boyfriend sided with me and told me what she did was wrong, but during one of our fights, he blurted out that I deserved it because I never opened myself up to her and therefore she didnt know who I was and what place I had in his life. But this was absolutely false!
Now, I feel deep rooted hate for his family that I feel I am entitled to because of what they did to me. But its a hate that I only know of because even now whenever I see them or talk to them, I show them (especially his mother) uttermost respect that I personally feel she is not worthy of. I never say anything bad about her but whenever my boyfriend mentions her name or shows any kind of emotion to her, I feel a surge of anger so bad that I say things I know really hurt my boyfriend. I always feel like I deserve better and to see myself being treated this way makes me hate myself because I let it get so bad. I feel like she brainwashes her son and puts ideas into his head. One such idea was that if we ever got married, our children would be heretics because they don't know which religion to belong to.
I feel like my boyfriend has done nothing wrong but I can't help thinking that he let that happen and that he is not standing up for me. I can't say anything to him though because I don't want him to think I am trying to ruin his relationship with his mother. I feel like I deserve a sincere apology that I never received, yet I also feel like if I do get the apology, it won't change how I feel towards his family.
I don't know what I am doing wrong. I think of myself as an educated, talented and determined individual who has very strong values, but what have I done or what do I don't possess that has allowed this woman to treat me so bad? I am too young for this kind of stress, but I want to make the right decision for the both of us, and at the same time not lose my sanity or someone I really love.
I want to make the right decision. I love my boyfriend and I don't want to break up over this. Any advice?
Thanks ladies =(
I am a 21 year old University student who plans to attend medical school. I am currently in a relationship with my 24 year old boyfriend who is a student/truck driver that I love and care for very much. I have been in a complicated situation with my boyfriend of 4 years. We are from the same country and the same culture but we are of different faiths. This has not been an issue for us or for my family. The issue is his family-namely his mother.
The first few times I met her, she was very kind and warm. She knew of my religion and that did not seem to bother her in the slightest. However, on our first year anniversary (and also my birthday), he told me that his mother had taken him to another city, and without his consent or knowledge, she had arranged a marriage for him, of course, to a girl of his faith. When he admitted to me what had happened and how he refused, I was really heartbroken. I felt naive and shocked that anyone could have done this to me. But, I chose to put that behind me (as hard as it was) and move on with the relationship thinking that perhaps she got it into her head that her son cared for me and there was nothing she could do about it.
During the year after that, I tried dutifully to be respectful to her. I never mentioned the situation or confronted her. I let it sit within me and chose to not ponder it. But, I found that she (as well as her daughter) were treating me funny. When he would be around, they would be so nice but as soon as I was left alone with them, they were rude to me. Again, very close to my birthday (a year after the initial incident), I was told by my former boss (the same faith as my boyfriend and also his friend) that my boyfriend's mother had called their home asking for my boss's sister's hand in marriage to my boyfriend. Of course, they refused and gave her heck for even considering that, since they knew I was in a relationship with him.
When this happened to me I felt a rush of hatred and loathing that I have never felt before in my life. It was found that my boyfriend really did not know his mother was doing this, so I felt it was time to confront her. I called her and I told her how much she was trying to hurt and embarrass me and what she was doing was wrong.
We are no longer living in a country or a culture where it is tradition to arrange marriages and she should not get herself involved in her 24 year old son's life. Her response to me was that I was confused and that I dont understand because I am not a mother. My boyfriend sided with me and told me what she did was wrong, but during one of our fights, he blurted out that I deserved it because I never opened myself up to her and therefore she didnt know who I was and what place I had in his life. But this was absolutely false!
Now, I feel deep rooted hate for his family that I feel I am entitled to because of what they did to me. But its a hate that I only know of because even now whenever I see them or talk to them, I show them (especially his mother) uttermost respect that I personally feel she is not worthy of. I never say anything bad about her but whenever my boyfriend mentions her name or shows any kind of emotion to her, I feel a surge of anger so bad that I say things I know really hurt my boyfriend. I always feel like I deserve better and to see myself being treated this way makes me hate myself because I let it get so bad. I feel like she brainwashes her son and puts ideas into his head. One such idea was that if we ever got married, our children would be heretics because they don't know which religion to belong to.
I feel like my boyfriend has done nothing wrong but I can't help thinking that he let that happen and that he is not standing up for me. I can't say anything to him though because I don't want him to think I am trying to ruin his relationship with his mother. I feel like I deserve a sincere apology that I never received, yet I also feel like if I do get the apology, it won't change how I feel towards his family.
I don't know what I am doing wrong. I think of myself as an educated, talented and determined individual who has very strong values, but what have I done or what do I don't possess that has allowed this woman to treat me so bad? I am too young for this kind of stress, but I want to make the right decision for the both of us, and at the same time not lose my sanity or someone I really love.
I want to make the right decision. I love my boyfriend and I don't want to break up over this. Any advice?
Thanks ladies =(
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Ice on -
Good Luck and remember that everything will be fine. Life is too short to spend it on worrying.
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Permalink Reply by Tiffany@DivaBras.com- Plus Size Bras on -
My two sisters married Catholics. I'm dating a Catholic. I'm Jewish and my parents don't mind. I'm lucky. For you, I'm sorry, most mens parents are always difficult to deal with, they always find something against you if they don't like you or they want the perfect old school marriage. Religion is always a bummer if they are really heavy into it. I would say you got a real problem with your current boyfriends family. My best recommendation is to put your relationship on hold and finish school and see how his parents act with you then.
Tiff
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Permalink Reply by Fiona on -
Like many men I know, he's putting a much heavier weigh on your shoulders than he can carry. He wants you or thought of you changing religion, moving out of the city, and ideally you'd do it for him. But is it fair on you? He's doing it for his mum, whom he respects too much to even think of opposing to her beliefs. He can't choose right now, I think he's too inmature and the mother brought him up in an old fashioned way, with that sense of respect and fear at the same time. Try and avoid his family as much as you can for now, focus on your studies and on your relationship with him not with his family. You're right, you're young and marriage would be a very scary step for you both knowing that you don't have his family's approval. In your case I think time will allow you both to realise things and see if it's really a good idea to keep going despite his mother's bad intentions. Good luck!
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Permalink Reply by Nemo on -
You know, thats so true. His mom really is old fashioned it actually makes me sick. He is a really simple guy, really naive too. Like whatever you tell him, he'll believe; hes not really the type to go and search for the answers himself. So, I think his mom really takes that as an advantage and places these stupid thoughts into his head. Its really sad actually and makes me feel really bad for him because he is in a bad position right now. Selfishly, I hope he realizes how much better I am in his life than his mom. I know thats really mean to say but she causes him a lot of emotional burden and sometimes I sense that when he asks me to marry him as soon as possible I feel like its him just saying ' I want out'. But at the same time its not fair for me you know? I always dreamt of marrying a guy and having his family all over me and love me more than my own family. If I marry him, I know I will have a sad life because I would feel so cheated out of what I felt I deserved, not because I married him no because he is amazing, but because I wanted better treatment from in laws and I bet everything I will ever own that they will treat me like sh*t if I ever marry him. Ugh, just the thought of it makes me cringe...
I know, I really need to start thinking differently about this whole situation. Culturally, its pretty difficult to marry the guy and not have anything to do with his family. You HAVE to marry his family too. If the world was mine, I would marry him, give his mom a piece of my mind and live happily ever after without ever seeing her face again.
And just as more info I wanted to say my boyfriend is Baha'i and I am Muslim but my family does not practice in anyway. I did a lot of research on his faith and you know what? They really stress the importance of marriage to people OUTSIDE of the same faith. They have absolutely nothing against it at all, and they actually encourage it too. His mom is pulling on this out of somewhere and it just makes me so mad. Do you ladies think I should mention this to her?
Oh, by the way, I went to a festival with him and my mom this weekend. We were all having an amazing time and then his mother decides to show up. She acting really really nice to me but I knew it was false because as soon as he got up to get something, she was staring at me with this weird expression on her face like I was from the freak show. I really tried to take your advices and try to see the best in her. I acted great, I actually feel like I deserve an Oscar for my performance, until my boyfriend got up to dance with my mom and I don't know what happened to me; I just felt so jealous that my boyfriend has such a great relationship with my mom and Im treated like this....ugh.
Oh, and something else I forgot to mention. His sister is worse worse worse than his mom. She makes her mother look like a saint. But I don't care too much about her because she feeds off of her mom and she's a massive attention seeker.
I know ladies, I have it pretty bad!!!
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Permalink Reply by Helen on -
My Dear, that is not good, you are right, but it will change to better. Try not to act, but really feel that she is good:) Try to believe this just for some short time - but no acting!!! Real feelings - that's is the secret;) I'msure you can manage this:)
Good luck!!!!!
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